The church I attend occasionally hosts a lunch afterward. They are trying to build community and friendship with the congregation. One Sunday the pastor addressed everyone during the meal and said he has had people come to him for counseling and assistance saying nobody will help them. Then he asked what are some reasons you wouldn’t help a person. An older gentleman said, “Because you don’t want to enable them.” Several people shook their heads in agreement. A lady sitting with her two children said, “If I helped them before and it’s the same issue.” I heard an “Oh yes” and “True” from the group. I thought about it for a second and said “There were times I reached out to friends but the other people in their life said my help wasn’t necessary or completely dismissed me.” I got several surprised looks so I explained my experience. “Sometimes the family or their partner feels it is a personal matter. They could also be controlling and want to be the one they go to. To quote Depeche Mode, they want to be their, “Personal Jesus.” ” The pastor replied, “Hmmmm. Interesting.”

Everyone hits bumps in the road. It is part of life. But if you are seeking help and don’t get it, consider this:

A) This may be something you have to figure out on your own. Especially if you had this issue before. Stand on your own two feet.

B) If friends and family aren’t helping, you can ask why. Depending on their answer you will find out if they really care about your well being, they are showing you tough love, they are not capable of helping, or just aren’t concerned.

C) You may be being smothered and hindered by a person or group who claim to love you. Step back and evaluate their actions or get in touch with a neutral party. You may not realize there are limitations being put on access to you.

We can’t control everything that happens to us. I know because I have been through some devastating and life changing experiences. But we can control how we react and take responsibility.